The Two Popes will tell its audience all they need to know with the first scene. You see, there is a faceless, humble man attempting to schedule air travel. “I know I can do this online these days,” he says. The attendant catches on that he is Pope Francis, or at least claiming to be, when he gives his full name. Though, she veers toward prank call and hangs up when his answer for zip code is merely, “uh, Vatican City.” The scene lasts maybe a minute, but it is the first drill into our mind that Pope Francis is a cute, humble old man. Perhaps he is—but this film attributes cute and humble as the only aspects of his character. Oh, but did you know he also loves soccer? More on that later.
Once we pass this opening scene, I actually wonder if this film could offer more than the base level. We follow a young man through Buenos Aires under narration from Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio, future Pope Francis. This young man is a vessel for the story of Bergoglio restoring a church after a call from God, but the viewer is then taken into a large square where Bergoglio is speaking to an adoring crowd. This is roughly present day and that boy, who we will never see again, was just some random fake-out. After his speech has concluded, it is learned that the year is 2005 and Pope John Paul II has just died. Cue the best part of the film: Pope John Paul II is laid to rest and the politics behind choosing the next Pope are laid out. Cardinal John Ratzinger of Germany is the conservative choice while Bergoglio emerges as the liberal alternative. After decades of more liberal rule under Pope John Paul II (yes, that was considered liberal) the conclave chooses Ratzinger after a few tight rounds of voting. I say this is the best scene (or sequences) in this film because at least there is some interesting camera work and beautiful production design as we view closed-room voting ceremony. Rest assured, nothing else of interest happens for the next hour and fifty minutes.
John Ratzinger, now Pope Benedict the ntheenth, is not a well-liked pope. Bergoglio wants to retire and serve his community locally. So, he is invited to the Pope’s summer residence to discuss the matter. Cue Pope Francis being quirky and cute: he is warned he should dress in cardinal wear to visit the Pope, so he has to borrow one from the driver and dress off the side of the road. When the "two popes" meet, the two men agree on almost nothing. However, after Bergoglio tells Pope Benedict his life story and how he was regretfully the #1 ally of the military junta responsible for the disappearances of tens of thousands and Argentina during the 1970s and early 1980s, they forge what the writer and director and whoever else would like us to view as an “unlikely bond.” That is it. That's the end of the film.
Aside from impressive production design, this film is a failure in every aspect. I’m sure the acting is good as well, but it is hard to see such merit through the forced dialogue. The fact that this could end up being an Oscar nominee for Adapted Screenplay only further offers up questions on the tastes of the voting body, as the screenplay is possibly what holds the film down the most. Sure, there are positive elements: I already mentioned the production design. Perhaps the cinematography is pleasing as well. However, how does one surpass a painfully transparent and predictable film? The audience is meant to marvel at the supposed friendship of the two living Popes and their different ideologies. At one point, Bergoglio hums Abba's Dancing Queen, something Ratzinger has never heard. Ratzinger hates soccer, but of course, we get a cutesy end credits scene of the 2014 World Cup Final between Argentina and Germany—something that was set up quite early on in the film.
Let me repeat again: this film is shamelessly transparent and predictable. I am beating this into your head just like this film beat its themes and conclusions into my own—to the extant I honestly should have a concussion.